For years, as I’ve been engaged in anti-bias and social justice work, I have said that my goal was to work myself out of a job.  Over time I have adjusted that goal.  While I would love for that to be the case, it is increasingly clear that for all of us concerned with civil rights and justice, this is a lifetime job of maintenance. Like laundry, it is a never-ending cycle.

The cycle of fighting for justice.  Ours is the maintenance of holding our country and its people to its ideals–a constant vigilant expectation of our inalienable rights and holding all of us accountable when we falter.  As President Obama said in his farewell speech, “these rights, while self-evident, have never been self-executing; that “We, the People,” through the instrument of our democracy, can form a more perfect union.”

Sometimes this maintenance may feel more routine and easier when accomplishments are made. And other times, the washing machine breaks down. The weeds threaten to overrun. The foundation cracks. The instrument of our democracy falters. And the maintenance becomes a much harder job.

It’s an imperfect analogy I know, but it helps me put our current climate into perspective.  I have a different outlook and resolve now that I am committed to the long-term upkeep of our core values, the values on which King built his dream for this country, the foundation of values from which our country is still aspiring to build.

I do believe that the arc of justice King famously spoke about does ultimately bend towards justice. Yet, I have failed to truly comprehend two important truths: 1) the arc doesn’t bend on its own; people must mold and direct it and 2) it is not a straight path; sometimes the arc doubles back on itself again before moving forward.

The foundation has certainly cracked. And it is a time where many people have either renewed their commitment or have come to the work of maintenance anew.  I’ve decided that this reflection will not be a recap all my concerns or an enumeration of how people’s humanity, rights and even their lives, are threatened. There are many articles written by people far more astute than me about the specific ways to address, resist and rally: against racism to homophobia, Islamophobia to anti-Semitism, transphobia to misogyny, classism to ableism.  I am working to learn, grow and remain engaged in that work and hope that anyone reading this is engaged as well. (Here are two resources that I have found meaningful:  Women’s March Platform and Indivisible)

But make no mistake, I am angry y’all!

And that anger started long before November 8th and has only grown since. (Apologies to my family because sometimes that anger has come out sideways.) Because I know that anger needs to be focused to be effective. Leading up to this Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I have been reflecting deeply on the maintenance of my own foundation of core values. And I have been thinking a lot about my identity as a parent and how to insure that my children’s foundation of values are strong as well.

I’ve been thinking about the promises I want to make to myself; promises written from me to my two girls (“Little One” and “Bigger One”). And perhaps they will resonate for you and spark the promises you want renew for yourself this Martin Luther King Day.

My Promises

My little loves, I promise to continue to strengthen my foundation of core beliefs and family values related to social justice and challenging discrimination both for myself and to impart to you.

Overt bias should not serve as cover

The vitriol and overt bias; the rise of extremists and hate groups is incredibly concerning and we must always denounce and work to oppose those forces.  And I fear this opposition will become a position of comfort.  It’s so easy to denounce hate and feel moral superiority because we would “never say or do those things.”  We must avoid the temptation to use blatant examples of racism (and other isms) to ignore our own bias and complicity in a system that is designed to benefit some groups over others.

If you’re not willing to own groupness, you are likely to show up like a group – Jamie Washington, Social Justice Training Institute, San Diego, 2016

Which is why I strive for both of you to understand (and for me to continue to grapple with) that you are not just singular individuals; you belong to group identities. Before anyone gets to know you, you are treated certain ways because of your skin color, gender, gender identity, socioeconomic status, age, perceived religion and more. And through your group identity, you receive benefits through no actual work of your own; and in others, you are disadvantaged, also through no fault of your own. Bigger One, you experienced the sting of this when you were the only girl on the basketball team and we had to explain sexism at the age of six. And much like the boys on that team, groupness is much harder to see when you are the beneficiary.

As you grow, I know that this may be hard for you to accept–that you are not just an individual. I know that I sometimes fall into a pattern of ignoring this in my own life. Yet, before anyone gets to know me, people see me first as a white, middle aged (how’d that happen?), middle class, straight, PTA/soccer mom. And despite the fact that I might think “that’s not who I am. People don’t know me,” if I am equally honest I also know: 1) I don’t want to be lumped with others because of my own stereotypes about those white-middle-aged-middle-class, straight, PTA/soccer moms and 2) I want to be seen as “better” than those stereotypes and 3) that most of those identities (and the combination of them) almost always bring advantages, access and generally positive treatment.  And all of that trickles down to you, my loves.

We may not want it, we didn’t choose it, but to pretend that group identity doesn’t matter is to ignore the reality of our society. We may not want it, we didn’t choose it, but to shrug it off is to continue to perpetuate inequity.  And so I promise to spend more time wrestling with groupness and teaching you about yours.

I hope when you see me, you see my brown skin, because it is beautiful – Shruti Desai, Facebook Post Series on Recentering Non-dominant cultural values, Day 11: Brown

At the same time that we recognize that our world operates on the group level, I also want you to see people in their full selves– to see them as individuals. Because the reality of groupness is that some of them are seen and others are made invisible, especially around race.  I know it may seem confusing to recognize both the power of group and the importance of individuals and that’s part of my promise to you: to help you grapple with the “both/and” and to recognize that life is complicated and nuanced.

One time, I was talking with one of Daddy’s friends who identifies as Black; we were talking about how she is one of only three Black women in her office and they are often called by each other’s names by white people. We were joking about it (humor being a coping mechanism) but then she ended by saying “I just wish people would see me.” The mix of pain and resignation in her voice stayed with me. And that, my loves, is one of greatest failures of our society–that Daddy’s friend has to wish to be seen or my friend Shruti (quoted above) has to remind people to see her brown skin and to know that it is beautiful.

From beauty standards to societal “norms,” your Daddy and I are working against a society that will give you both tons of messages that your skin color or class status makes you worthy, alongside messages that your friends of color are not as worthy or that your friends who are poor are not as worthy (and many other “different” identities are not as worthy). Those are lies. And it is a fight every day to provide a different truth, to reject internalizing the dominant messages. And that is why we try to be so intentional in providing you with alternative images and stories.  Sometimes we fail to notice the norms. Sometimes you resist our efforts. I promise to keep trying.

A compliment to someone else takes nothing away from you.  –  Mommy

I know I say this phrase often enough that Bigger One rolls her eyes (Little One will soon follow, I’m sure). It’s usually in response to a rise of jealousy because your sister is getting attention or praise. But the message applies to a much larger truth and a much larger issue.

Perhaps the most important promise I can make is to teach you both this lesson:

You are the center of my and Daddy’s world.  You are not the center of the world.  You are the most special to me and  Dad.  You are not more special than any other child.  You are deserving and we want the world for you. You are not more deserving than anyone else.

It may be hard to hear. I know that there are other parents who will be appalled by this message. I know that this message is counter to society’s messages. However, if I have the hope of raising you to be kind, grateful, empathetic and giving; to feel the weight of responsibility to fight for justice, than it’s a message you must learn. I truly believe that we stand in this place of “living history” because we have lived in a society that has sold white people, men and Christians the lie that they are entitled to more, inevitably and without question.

Commonality is not the basis for respect – also Mommy

The idea of finding similarities is often the language used in superficial diversity work (i.e. “we all bleed red”). I know that I have fallen into this trap many times.  Don’t get me wrong, finding things in common with someone who seems very different from you can be beautiful.  And commonality should not be the requirement for offering kindness, understanding or empathy. All people are entitled to be treated with dignity regardless of whether you have a single thing in common or not.  You deserve to be treated with dignity whether someone has anything in common with you or not. Little One and Bigger One, I expect you to treat everyone with dignity.  My final promise is to live this truth with you every day.

And those are my promises.  And in this time when the washing machine has broken down and the foundation is showing its cracks, I’m wishing everyone the strength, courage and dignity to continue the important work of maintaining our ideals, this day and every day.